Ironic Product Enjoyer Pillows

"It's toxic but it's all natural toxic."

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

Emergency Hipster Beard

"Pollyanna, your teeth are shot. Stop sugar coating everything!"

"Still Undecided Political Blocs"

"I like his earlier work better, particularly the ones I said I didn't like at the time."

'Look Reg, a ship...we're saved!'

"Great coffee, Carole."

"I guess laughter wasn’t the best medicine."

'You don't need a colonoscopy, but I'm sending you for one because, quite frankly, I don't like you.'

'Wait! Wait a minute! Would you hold my glasses?'

"Good news, chief, a computer virus destroyed all our documents."

'Of course he didn't believe the stork story. Try telling him we made him with a 3D printer.'

Seven deadly sins shopping plaza

"I can cure your back problem, but there's a risk that you'll be left with nothing to talk about."

'You're looking well.'

Focus Group Failures

'Just add eggs. That sounds easy.'

'The bears are very well-behaved.'

'Tonight's special presentation, 'The Myth of the Mafia,' was made possible by a grant from the Gambino family.'

Wow. Worst Tunnel of Love ever.

"Oh crap, my mood ring!"

"I think we can agree that the bridge collapsing is not a good thing."

"Physician heal thyself."

"The people who hate trucks as environmentally destructive traffic obstacles and think that drivers are grubby idiots are waiting for their goods!"

Visit Santa today...sponsored by Acme Razor Company

"I'll have you know that I'm not breathing fire at all. I'm having a vape."

'Don't you find watching people relaxing?'

'While 10-15 years of cellaring are recommended and would certainly improve the bouquet and taste, no, there'sno reason why you can't go out back, behind the dumpster and down the whole thing in 1 chug.'

"BEARD FOR HIRE! Good Rates!"

'I know.. Let's write a song all about the evils of material wealth. After all, that last one netted us a bloody fortune!'

'Hey man that's a gas!'

Let's afford him the same respect his minions gave Pres. Obama and his family."

"We still don't have a diagnosis for your rash, so we're going to run some more money on it and see what happens."

I use to file your expenses at the office Mr. Henderson, but I never dreamed I'd be one of them.