Ironic Ingredient Lover Pillows

'Just add eggs. That sounds easy.'

Newt sale

Emergency Hipster Beard

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"We suggest you study the menu in our reading room before being seated in the dining room."

'I never knew baking was such a violent activity. You have to beat the eggs, whip the cream, and mash the nuts.'

"I couldn't have made my family recipe raisin date nut cake with it's secret ingredient without Jimmy's help."

Seven deadly sins shopping plaza

'Most, yes, but they're not all carcinogenic!'

"I enjoy eating healthy – I just don’t like the food."

"It all comes down to the aging and fermentation process."

The sword in the all-natural impossible-to-stir peanut butter.

Milk Toast: One of the World's Most Deadly Foods!

Waiter indicates cutlery for diner's tiny meal, saying: 'The one on the right is your mangnifying glass, sir.'

'...and that concludes this seminar on healthy living. Now, if anyone cares to join me, I'm off to that new place down the street for some steak and a few beers.'

"Into every shopping cart a little mysterious Mediterranean product must fall."

Virgin Olive Oil. Not-Virgin-But-Has-A-Heart-Of-Gold Olive Oil.

Hudson River Crouton

Hot Dog... Flavored meat-like substances

'I'm afraid I'll have to get rid of you Simpkins. You're not good for business.'

"You want fries with that Chardonnay?"

Seminar on Obesity in the Workplace.

'No, not 25 years - we've just added our 25th artificial ingredient.'

"They're quite fatty, so to relieve your guilt I made sure they taste terrible."

"This stuff comes with a prize! If you can pronounce all the ingredients, you get an honorary degree in chemistry."

'If you haven't got a low fat, organic, calorie free, ethically produced, free range option... I'll have the double chocolate cheesecake.'

Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall

"Their food is supposed to be fabulous."

'Yes Sir that is the lowest calorie dish on the menu, the chef has even eaten the fish for you. He says it was wonderful.'

"Would you like an earnest tone with your lentils?"

From coach potato to kitchen potato!

Rice Cakes Gone Wild

Strict Diet,

"Are all of your carcinogens produced locally?"

'I'm going for that scholarly look while I try to quit smoking. They're nicotine patches.'