Ironic Humoresque Gifts

"You complete me."

'Things have really livened up down there since You introduced SEXUAL reproduction.'

"Look! No hands!"

'Of course I stretched first. That's how I hurt myself.'

'-and you're living proof that ALL men are not born equal, runt!'

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

"It's about sex and revenge, except for a short chapter on the Continental Congress."

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

Gardening Calendar: January - The Snow will be deep now...get out into the garden...

'I found the home maintenance manual in the attic. I think it's got mildew.'

"You are still here."

The Hammer

Public footpath on a desert island.

"The candy on the pillow is a nicety of the house."

Anti-inflammation recipes

'Where Are They Now?'

'You're a good man, Henderson, but you don't have your staff's respect.'

"That's Reubens, he's an alternate lifestyle coach."

"I'll have dessert first."

"Fit the reality to our statistics!"

Turkey survivability - 'It's all in being able to put the old fork down and say no.'

Say, aren't you my old shop teacher who said I couldn't cut a straight line to save my life?

'Looks like a love affair gone bad.'

New anti-obesity cookbook.

"Well, one good thing about summer...is I work more hours and make a lot more money. The bad thing is...I have a lot more free time to spend it all."

Healthy Eating Casualties

Vampire shaving cut dilemma.

"I was thinking of joining a parenting class."

'We have a strict dress code. Can't let you in without a straightjacket and tie.'

'I really felt at home there. The food was awful!'

Tycoon on beach listens to "office sounds" on CD player

'I'd say that our transport policy couldn't get any greener'

'The car has power steering... but the driver doesn't!'

"Just between you and me, he was a road kill."

"Bangin’ rims. Sears?"