Ironic Humoresque Gifts

"You complete me."

'Things have really livened up down there since You introduced SEXUAL reproduction.'

"Look! No hands!"

"It's about sex and revenge, except for a short chapter on the Continental Congress."

'-and you're living proof that ALL men are not born equal, runt!'

'Of course I stretched first. That's how I hurt myself.'

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

Gardening Calendar: January - The Snow will be deep now...get out into the garden...

'I found the home maintenance manual in the attic. I think it's got mildew.'

The Hammer

"You are still here."

Madame ZuZu. Dream Interpretation. Tarot. Palms. She says the dream where I'm taking a test naked means I barely made it through school.

Public footpath on a desert island.

"The candy on the pillow is a nicety of the house."

'Where Are They Now?'

Anti-inflammation recipes

'You're a good man, Henderson, but you don't have your staff's respect.'

"I'll have dessert first."

"That's Reubens, he's an alternate lifestyle coach."

"Fit the reality to our statistics!"

'Looks like a love affair gone bad.'

Say, aren't you my old shop teacher who said I couldn't cut a straight line to save my life?

Healthy Eating Casualties

"Well, one good thing about summer...is I work more hours and make a lot more money. The bad thing is...I have a lot more free time to spend it all."

Vampire shaving cut dilemma.

"I was thinking of joining a parenting class."

Turkey survivability - 'It's all in being able to put the old fork down and say no.'

New anti-obesity cookbook.

'We have a strict dress code. Can't let you in without a straightjacket and tie.'

'I'd say that our transport policy couldn't get any greener'

'I really felt at home there. The food was awful!'

Tycoon on beach listens to "office sounds" on CD player

'Gosh, he looks so peaceful lying there, I almost hate to wake him up and put him in the oven.'

"Bangin’ rims. Sears?"