Ironic Humor Relisher Pillows

"Hello, my name is Doctor Crippen."

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

"Look! No hands!"

'-and you're living proof that ALL men are not born equal, runt!'

'Of course I stretched first. That's how I hurt myself.'

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"It's about sex and revenge, except for a short chapter on the Continental Congress."

Gardening Calendar: January - The Snow will be deep now...get out into the garden...

'Well, the good news is; You won't need to tax and insure it.'

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

'I found the home maintenance manual in the attic. I think it's got mildew.'

The Hammer

"You are still here."

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

Public footpath on a desert island.

"The candy on the pillow is a nicety of the house."

'Where Are They Now?'

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

Anti-inflammation recipes

"Daisy, that fall broke my leg pretty badly. You need to go get help, girl - oh, what a big stretch! Who’s a good stretcher? Daisy’s a good stretcher! What a good girl…"

"Don't forget to rate us on stable-BnB."

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

'You're a good man, Henderson, but you don't have your staff's respect.'

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

"I'll have dessert first."

'Well, the marriage guidance counsellor advised us to share each others interests, didn't she?'