Ironic Humor Relisher Gifts

"Hello, my name is Doctor Crippen."

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

"Look! No hands!"

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"It's about sex and revenge, except for a short chapter on the Continental Congress."

'Of course I stretched first. That's how I hurt myself.'

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

'-and you're living proof that ALL men are not born equal, runt!'

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

'Well, the good news is; You won't need to tax and insure it.'

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

Gardening Calendar: January - The Snow will be deep now...get out into the garden...

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'I found the home maintenance manual in the attic. I think it's got mildew.'

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"You are still here."

The Hammer

Madame ZuZu. Dream Interpretation. Tarot. Palms. She says the dream where I'm taking a test naked means I barely made it through school.

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

Public footpath on a desert island.

"The candy on the pillow is a nicety of the house."

"Don't forget to rate us on stable-BnB."

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

"Daisy, that fall broke my leg pretty badly. You need to go get help, girl - oh, what a big stretch! Who’s a good stretcher? Daisy’s a good stretcher! What a good girl…"

'Where Are They Now?'

Anti-inflammation recipes

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

'You're a good man, Henderson, but you don't have your staff's respect.'

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

"I'll have dessert first."