Ironical Humor Pillows

"Look! No hands!"

'-and you're living proof that ALL men are not born equal, runt!'

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

"Of course you can resign Ferguson. How would you like to buy back your freedom? Cash, credit card or easy payments?"

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

'Of course I stretched first. That's how I hurt myself.'

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

Gardening Calendar: January - The Snow will be deep now...get out into the garden...

'Well, the good news is; You won't need to tax and insure it.'

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

"Grapes, Rye, Malt... I got into this through my vegetarianism."

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

Trump

Winter Weather.

'I found the home maintenance manual in the attic. I think it's got mildew.'

'If I believed in aptitude tests I'd still be washing cars in Accrington,.'

"You are still here."

The Hammer

'Too many people in our state are overweight, Senator. They want fat-free pork.'

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

Public footpath on a desert island.

"The candy on the pillow is a nicety of the house."

'Looks like the perfect time to bring in our profit sharing scheme.'

Crime in bookshop

Anti-inflammation recipes

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

'Where Are They Now?'

"We should have done more to bring all the things we were trying to get away from."