Ironical Humor Pillows

"Look! No hands!"

'-and you're living proof that ALL men are not born equal, runt!'

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

"Of course you can resign Ferguson. How would you like to buy back your freedom? Cash, credit card or easy payments?"

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

'Of course I stretched first. That's how I hurt myself.'

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

'Well, the good news is; You won't need to tax and insure it.'

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

"Grapes, Rye, Malt... I got into this through my vegetarianism."

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

Gardening Calendar: January - The Snow will be deep now...get out into the garden...

Trump

Winter Weather.

'I found the home maintenance manual in the attic. I think it's got mildew.'

Madame ZuZu. Dream Interpretation. Tarot. Palms. She says the dream where I'm taking a test naked means I barely made it through school.

'If I believed in aptitude tests I'd still be washing cars in Accrington,.'

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"You are still here."

The Hammer

'Too many people in our state are overweight, Senator. They want fat-free pork.'

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

Public footpath on a desert island.

"The candy on the pillow is a nicety of the house."

'Looks like the perfect time to bring in our profit sharing scheme.'

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

'Where Are They Now?'

Anti-inflammation recipes

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."