Ironic Epicure Gifts

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

The wonderful world of cheese.

To do before Saturday...

The Origins of Everything

"May I recommend our Seared Filet with Lobster Cream Sauce? It's very photogenic."

Waiter: 'Your Tossed salad Ma'am.'

"Call this cordon bleu?"

'Leeks can disappoint you and garlic will break your heart, but only onions make you cry.'

'I'll have the 'All of the above.''

"Don't hold back on the toad legs now - I'm through with Nouvelle Cuisine!"

"It's the Chef Surprise."

'This Beef Wellington is as tough as old boots.'

'If that is a toenail, it is a French toenail.'

"I ain't particular, but are you sure a '71 claret is the right choice for these here beans?"

The four basic food groups: Dry, Moist, Biscuit, Bone.

A single man can be seen through the front window of the "ME Only Restaurant".

"Well, I don't care if it is some kind of fancy-schmancy restaurant...if I want ketchup, I'm gonna get ketchup!"

'My doctor said I'm digging my own grave with a spoon and fork. It'll take longer if I use only a fork.'

"Putting a steak, chicken wings and potato chips on a salad kind of negates the eating healthy concept."

You complimented the chef on his dumplings-now he wishes to return the compliments!

'I'll leave it entirely to you...as long as it's a red...for exactly $20...from Napa...made from Merlot...2006 vintage...'

"Not just a wheel, Trog, but a wheel of aged Parmigiano Reggiano!"

"Best served at street temperature, delicious served with dustbin chipsor gutter squashed, half eaten kebab..."

Treat at the Colinderies.

"Excuse me for a moment. I have to go and refinance this dinner bill."

Family 'Bored' Games

"We have an excellent shooting range..."

"I can't hurry when ordering. There's a lot of ecological geopolitics involved here."