Witty Epicure Gifts

'My doctor said I'm digging my own grave with a spoon and fork. It'll take longer if I use only a fork.'

The wonderful world of cheese.

To do before Saturday...

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

The Origins of Everything

"May I recommend our Seared Filet with Lobster Cream Sauce? It's very photogenic."

"Call this cordon bleu?"

'Leeks can disappoint you and garlic will break your heart, but only onions make you cry.'

"It's the Chef Surprise."

Waiter: 'Your Tossed salad Ma'am.'

'This Beef Wellington is as tough as old boots.'

'If that is a toenail, it is a French toenail.'

"Yes I do like intelligent women - what a stupid question!"

The four basic food groups: Dry, Moist, Biscuit, Bone.

A single man can be seen through the front window of the "ME Only Restaurant".

"Well, I don't care if it is some kind of fancy-schmancy restaurant...if I want ketchup, I'm gonna get ketchup!"

Romance novel writers make the best waiters. 'Tonight's special is chicken: ample,milky white breasts, touched with a slight hesitation of strong,rigid basil, too headstrong to stay and too scared to stop.'

"Putting a steak, chicken wings and potato chips on a salad kind of negates the eating healthy concept."

'I'll leave it entirely to you...as long as it's a red...for exactly $20...from Napa...made from Merlot...2006 vintage...'

You complimented the chef on his dumplings-now he wishes to return the compliments!

"Best served at street temperature, delicious served with dustbin chipsor gutter squashed, half eaten kebab..."

"Excuse me for a moment. I have to go and refinance this dinner bill."

"We have an excellent shooting range..."

Treat at the Colinderies.

"I don't know about your oil, but the goulash you're cooking in your crankcase looks done."

"Yeah, doc, I'm under a lot of pressure! All these gift cards I've been carrying around forever expire today!"

"I can't hurry when ordering. There's a lot of ecological geopolitics involved here."