Witty Epicurean Gifts

You complimented the chef on his dumplings-now he wishes to return the compliments!

'Think how all that chatting is affecting global warming.'

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'Oil painting is fine, but I can't do watercolours, obviously...'

"It was a really romantic dinner. I cried when he gave me roses. We had lobster and wine. He cried when we got the bill."

Paul Bocuse caricature

"Call this cordon bleu?"

" . . . and white, not yellow. Block, not shredded. Aged, but not too aged that it doesn't slice well."

"What would you suggest as a dinner strategy?"

Michel Roux Jr

"Honey, quick – the demi-glace is about to simmer – pass me a shot of Don Julio 1942 tequila!"

'Our five-course dinners start with denial, followed by anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.'

'...and that concludes this seminar on healthy living. Now, if anyone cares to join me, I'm off to that new place down the street for some steak and a few beers.'

'This Beef Wellington is as tough as old boots.'

Anthony Bourdain with Chopsticks

'If that is a toenail, it is a French toenail.'

"May we see something from local hydroponically grown grapes aged in casks made from non-endangered trees?"

How to injury yourself as an adult

"I'm getting something to speed things up, Jenkins. A skateboard."

'How many Breadsticks have you eaten?'

Picasso's brew period.

"Yes I do like intelligent women - what a stupid question!"

"I see you've finished your meal, sir. Can I get you anything else?... Coffee? Brandy? A doctor?"

'If I have but one life to live, Pierre, it's going to be a gastric life.'

'On your way back from the Holy Land, can you stop at Paris and pick up some creme brulee?'

"Bob, no! You don't drown in white wine with steak!"

'My doctor said I'm digging my own grave with a spoon and fork. It'll take longer if I use only a fork.'

Nick's Greek Restaurant: Special - Nick's own translation of the Odyssey

Survival of the Foodiest

'Good thing the recipe doesn't call for two tablespoons of port, we'd need a second cart.'

Romance novel writers make the best waiters. 'Tonight's special is chicken: ample,milky white breasts, touched with a slight hesitation of strong,rigid basil, too headstrong to stay and too scared to stop.'

'The bill is part of the chef's surprise, sir.'

'Does this restaurant allow substitutions?'