Ironic Drinker Pillows

"Physician heal thyself."

'Empower me again, Al.'

'There's a machine now that tells you when to stop drinking. It's called a cash point machine.'

"This whole thing has turned him into a hypochondriac, he's even installed a medicine cabinet in his den."

'If this is tea, I'll have a coffee. If it's a coffee, I'll have a tea!'

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

"Still Undecided Political Blocs"

"The salad should be delicious. We ordered it with lots of extra bacon bits."

"I like his earlier work better, particularly the ones I said I didn't like at the time."

'Look Reg, a ship...we're saved!'

"Great coffee, Carole."

"A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single malt."

'You don't need a colonoscopy, but I'm sending you for one because, quite frankly, I don't like you.'

'Wait! Wait a minute! Would you hold my glasses?'

"Good news, chief, a computer virus destroyed all our documents."

'Of course he didn't believe the stork story. Try telling him we made him with a 3D printer.'

Seven deadly sins shopping plaza

'The first cocktail.'

"I can cure your back problem, but there's a risk that you'll be left with nothing to talk about."

'You're looking well.'

"When it's extremely cold out, I prefer flambés to winter stews."

'The bears are very well-behaved.'

Wow. Worst Tunnel of Love ever.

Man reading 'Bankruptcy for Dummies'.

'Tonight's special presentation, 'The Myth of the Mafia,' was made possible by a grant from the Gambino family.'

"Seventy-five isn't the new anything."

Ginspiration!

"I think we can agree that the bridge collapsing is not a good thing."

'The sun lounge book of melanomas.'

"You'll find all the adult 'Dummies and Idiots' guide books in the children's section."

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'

All You Can Eat Buffet: "Remember, my safe word is 'Diabetes.'"

'Hey man that's a gas!'

"I'll have you know that I'm not breathing fire at all. I'm having a vape."