Investments Gifts

'You need a better long-term strategy than winning powerball.'

'My first piece of advice is not to put all your eggs in one basket.'

"The Fed today explained the reason they raise interest rates is so they can lower them again..."

"Whoops! There go those darned interest rates again!"

OK, buy! No, wait... sell! No, change that... sell! No... buy! No... sell! Buy!

'Ron Choate, offshore tax haven consultant, speaking.'

"This is Fluffy, my pet money."

"Were those pots of gold in any kind of interest-bearing accounts?"

"There's two terms I'd like to discuss with you in your financial report to our investors: apocalyptic and bajillion."

"Well - that's enough from me, I shall now introduce our Head of Pensions..."

'I was trying to predict future market trends and the computer blew up!'

'Just remember, Eddie, I've always viewed a big dividend as manna from heaven.'

'It stands for, 'Rock, Paper, Scissors'.'

'You've got hopelessness and despair until 3:25, at which time your survival instincts are scheduled to kick in.'

Born penniless. Then I invested on margin & things got worse!

"These are all my financial papers - with the exception of the codes to my secret Swiss bank accounts, of course."

'The Truth-in-advertising people want us to call ourselves the 'Sluggish Fund Group'.'

"I once had a firm foothold in reality, but I found that it seriously undermined my ability to function as a financial market analyst."

"No, Mr. Phelps, I have no idea where your pension went."

"I have to take three a day - they curb my appetite for gobbling up companies."

"Now that I've made that perfectly clear..."

401K

'Is my allowance an unfunded liability?'

"Let me find out, we don't usually keep livestock in our vaults."

"Moreover, profits double if we move in with our parents."

'Yes, I'd like to withdraw $200. And could you make that in smart money?'

'If you're such a great estate planner, why aren't you retired?'

If this carries on we're going to lose all our tax losses.

'I did well while good news was bad news. Then good news became good news--and that was bad news.'

Financial consultant to man: 'It's insolvency, Dr. Markham. There's a lot of that going around.'

Zero interest CDs! Why pay taxes?

'I've given up red meat, sugar and booze; stock swaps and derivatives are all I have left!'

Phone call here...For someone called 'Dad'.

It's 10pm. Is your money working for you?

"Not to toot my own horn, but I was doing time for stock manipulation when you were still in business school."