Investment Manager Gifts

'Was it Nietzsche who said, whatever doesn't kill your portfolio makes it stronger?'

"I was spreading some risk around, and apparently it all wound up in your portfolio."

"I know we said we would get you a laptop.. but this will have to do until business gets better."

"Do you have a get better soon card for someone's retirement investment?"

'Before I read the investment committee's report - I would remind everyone that I never asked to be on this committee.'

'The Fed decided today not to raise or lower interest rates, but instead just moved them sideways a little.'

"Let's have a moment's silence to remember the profits we used to make."

"I thought you said risk taking was okay?" 'Not putting the pension fund on Lucky Lady to win."

"You will be visited by three ghosts - the Ghost of Porfolios Past, The Ghost of Present Positions and the Ghost of Commodities Future."

'Do you think we should tell anyone about this?'

'All these new regulations will totally alter the way we screw the consumer.'

The bonus is performance based. You lost lots, which resulted in big bailout. Way to go.

"Oh, him? He's the guy who changes the interest rate when it's set by the fed."

'How are you getting on with the strategy for growth ?'

'Stocks finished higher today, paced by rising drug and fuel costs, divorces,malpractice suits,bankruptcy fees and medical bills.'

'Any time you need more, the money tree is here.'

"It creates the illusion of risk but you know you're perfectly safe."

'The fact that you worked as an unpaid intern shows you don't understand the concept of being a banker.'

"Liquidity is when you wake up one day to see your pension pot has vanished, then you wet yourself."

'Get his mind off batting by talking about his investments and marital problems.'

'I don't know, Jack. This 'magic beans' startup sounds kind of risky.'

"Well - that's enough from me, I shall now introduce our Head of Pensions..."

'He's our hedge fund manager.'

Welcome Stockholders: The Lynching

"To say things are bad is an UNDERSTATEMENT...We're staring into a FINANCIAL ABYSS, the COLLAPSE of the banking sector...On the other hand some experts believe that things will be back to normal in a few months ."

'Nest egg for retirement ... and inflation!'

Man at brokerage: 'I want to keep ahead of, not just up with, the Dow Joneses.'

'Thanks, I never had a broker take me out on his boat before. So, tell me, where are all of your clients' yachts?'

'To Consumer Debt!'

'What's going on in the jungle'

"Personally I don't think our salaries are too high - I see them as legitimate compensation for the emotional trauma we suffer due to the public's disdain for our high salaries."

The symbol for the euro (?) depicted as the wheel of a wheelchair, symbolising the state of the currency

Investors can't blame brokers any more

Big investors, small investors.

'Looks like we'll have to break into the piggy bank to find our endowment funding.'