Investment Jester Pillows

'I think you are taking this elevator pitch way too literally'.

'Stocks posted gains today on news the 'Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle' was found to be a certainty.'

"Joey, how about our 'Fools rush in where angels fear to tread' fund?"

'I wonder if I can increase its range?'

"Liable to flooding? Whatever gives you that idea sir?"

"So you're a serious investor? Lighten up!"

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

"In light of current market conditions, I've diversified your portfolio to include Lotto tickets and bingo chips."

The Fund - Last money market for 8 Blocks.

Financial Adviser - Dig for Victory.

The audience laughs mostly when I talk about my stock investments....

'My broker swears it's a great investment but I fear it's just another pyramid scheme.'

'The bad news is that we're only in it for the money.'

'I rolled over my 401 K, then it played dead.'

Eddie, we live in turbulent times. Therefore, I'm keeping you in turbulent stocks.

'Let's all link hands and think positive thoughts.'

"On Wall Street, both stocks and bonds dropped on news that adversity is good for the soul."

'We never act on market rumors until they pass the 'squelch' test.'

Wait – it's not called Buttcoin? What did I just invest all my money in, then?

"You're invited to our management excursion. Come dresses as a pinata."

'What bothers me about these meetings is even though it's work, I have the nagging feeling I ought to leave and get back to work.'

'Whe they said 'God is my Judge', I didn't realize He was a real attorney.'

"Is he talking yet? I was hoping he could help me with my new phone."

"I don't want a G.O.A.T, I want a S.C.A.P.E.G.O.A.T."

'You're my best man, Pomeroy, so I've decided to sell the damn company.'

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

Business books - Who's Who & Who's Downsized sections.

'As you can see by the pie chart, most of our expenses go to well, pie.'

The Department of Blind-Side Bias, Knowledge Gaps and Really Great Coffee.

'And I'm happy to say, that since the merger...'

Sign - Halt manager crossing

'Mr. Dawson, about when I said 'don't pull any punches'...'

'I play so hard that I have no time to work hard.'

"That report on corporate redundancy... I'd like it in triplicate."

'I'm sorry, but everyone is in a meeting.'