Intimate Comedy Gifts

'Not now, Lord!'

"Talk nerdy to me."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"Call me?"

-Sorry about yesterday, I was ill! -You didn't look ill when I saw you at the races! -You didn't see me after the fifth leg!

"Maybe we should have just had a baby..."

'Stop staring and make a wish!'

"I've been out of the dating scene a long time. Is kissing still a thing?"

Dog in love

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

'She'll never look for me here.'

"So you kiss me and I turn into a prince? No thanks, sweetie, I'm gay. I'm already a queen."

Harv's general clumsiness with prepositions comes back to haunt him.

Infinity Tavern

"Thanks for calling it skinnydipping."

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

"Oh I have plenty of sex appeal. It's all here in my bank baalance."

"That was Copernicus on the phone – he says you're NOT the centre of the universe!"

"My wife says she wants you to make me fit for purpose."

"...and those are my deepest, most intimate feelings about our friendship."

"How are you enjoying the job?" "Oh, Ilove the job...it's the work that I hate."

'All right!! Bull's-eye!'

'Shuck me.'

Debbie greatly misinterpreted the marriage counselor's suggestion that she and Tom have a monthly 'date night.'

' You're wonderful.' 'I know.'

So … how did you two meet?

'There you go again...constantly snagging!'

"I'm going to run away and join the circus. Not one of those big, tacky ones—something more European and intimate."

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

'You've got us backward. I'm Vinnie, and my short and subtle brother is Vignette.'

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

'man trouble? What you need is a big piece of cake.'

Lad to man behind desk: 'I notice your fish is 10 times larger than your picture of me!!'

"He was a rescue."

'Can't you be happy without forever whistling?'