Interview Ninja Pillows

"Now tell me about yourself in a ten second sound bite."

"Surely, you remember who your last employer was?"

"Mr. Kennings was going to interview you for the job, until he heard you actually wanted to get paid."

'Where do you see yourself in five years?' 'I see myself in a world where people don't ask such trite interview questions.'

"Next time you apply for a job you might think about pretending to be someone else."

"So why do you feel that you're a better person for the job than every other candidate who's shown me résumés with the exact same credentials?"

"Your answers sound rehearsed."

'Your leaving certificate is a joke, your resume is ridiculous and your reputation scares me. You can start on Monday.'

'I'm a self-made man!'

'This resume looks familiar. Were we once married to each other?'

'This test will determinbe which of you gets the position. Who wants to jump first?'

"I've got three michelin stars, two for cookery and one for turning up to the interview!"

'Oh, and if you really want this job, there's one thing you shouldn't mention.'

'Send in the next applicant Ms Jones.'

'A career in the bank? ' 'There's money in it'

"This position requires someone with a thick skin... Well, do you think you're up to the job, big nose?"

'You forget, I'm a blackbelt in powerpoint.'

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"Bah, I could've written a better dénouement in my sleep."

"Can we please just stick to the core business?"

'Who teaches apostrophe usage?'

Do you have any other skills?

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

'I see you're still trying to get the staff enthused over the weekly meetings.' (Meeting offers free coffee, free snacks, eye-popping charts, exciting videos and free idea pads).

"I'm looking for a 'yes man' who can say 'no' without sounding negative"

'Your resume and interview were so bad, not only did you not get the job, I'm having you arrested as well.'

"So, you want to work at our firm, Eh?"

I think you'll appreciate my resume. It's printed on a fridge magnet.

"You say you’re currently holding down 3 jobs...very impressive."

And I like to call this my 'dance of the enhanced PEP at alternative firms'.

Help wanted. Various positions available.

Good Luck!

'You're on the shortlist. It's between you and the bloke who's going to get the job.'

'The position carries no salary, just healthcare coverage.'