Interview Maestros Gifts

"This is Mr Smith, he's our new recruitment expert."

"I'd say we were pretty much on target."

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"Here, we do not procrastinate, we 'table' things."

'Can you do more work then is humanly possible?'

Four children playing the flute.

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

"I see by your resume this would be your first time in a symbiotic relationship."

'I'm sure that you are highly qualified. It's just that we're not hiring anyone at the third grade level.'

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

'I'm looking fo someone who can make me laugh.'

Presentation: Thinking each other are idiots.

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"

"You're good at asking all the right questions. Now let's hear some right answers."

'Why do you want a career in the bank?'

Busking, "Stop worrying your father for money."

"It's a shame, excellent recommendations and a superb skill set but lacks the boiling hot all consuming ambition and ruthless desire for self promotion required as head of stationary procurement."

'Alright, throw in your resume and the 'Get A Job' potion will be complete.'

"I believe you'll like our company. We pay our employees time and a fifth."

'Cat job interviews.'

Two plans - one long-term and one short-term.

'My manuscript is available for download on the internet. I'll email the link to you.'

Bad Interview Technique

"I see you have a lot of experience in re-tail. . ."

"Boss, the customers can hear you cackling maniacally." "I've topped myself, minion." "It's not enough to run ads that tout our own excellence: we have to simultaneously tear down the competition." "Behold: my masterpiece." "'100 percent of those who drink Coffee King’s coffee will die.'" "Best part is it’s technically true."

"Your answers sound rehearsed."

"Everything looks real good...except these long gaps in your work history every winter."

"I'm a great ... umm... like ... umm... like... umm ... communicator."

"This is a fast-paced job you're applying for...what are your goals...where do you see yourself in the next 10 minutes?"

'But I think my strongest asset as an employee is my aversion to pretense, coupled with an unwavering commitment to a regular-guy persona!'