Interview Illuminator Gifts

'I can take out some of the padding if I appear overqualified.'

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

Bright Idea

Do you have any other skills?

"Your credentials are impressive, Carter but... quite frankly, Mr. Biggles doesn't seem to like you."

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"I'm looking for a 'yes man' who can say 'no' without sounding negative"

'Your resume and interview were so bad, not only did you not get the job, I'm having you arrested as well.'

"So, you want to work at our firm, Eh?"

And I like to call this my 'dance of the enhanced PEP at alternative firms'.

"You say you’re currently holding down 3 jobs...very impressive."

"That's nice, but do you have any references other than your Mom?"

Help wanted. Various positions available.

"I see you have a lot of experience in re-tail. . ."

'The position carries no salary, just healthcare coverage.'

"We can't actually pay you, but your work will get a lot of exposure."

"Again, you may exercise your right to remain silent, but it's going to work against you since this is a job interview."

'He will observe your text now...'

"Would you like something you're under qualified for, or something you're overqualified for?"

'You don't want the job, do you?'

"And where do you see your mustache in five years?"

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

'Have you got a resume?'

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

"Where do you see yourself five lives from now?"

Interview.

Multi-Species Employment Agency. Did you hire the octopus for that job opening? Yeah, but I did interview other applicants. The frog was a strong candidate ... I'm flexible on location -- I'm an amphibian! The whale seemed to be hiding something. The gap in my resume? Uh ... I was beached for a while. And the pig wasn't smart. I see "USDA Approved" on your resume --- I don't think you understand what that means. The octopus got the job because he was a great multitasker!

Don't use live interviews as rehearsals-practise and prepare.

"I enjoyed your resume, young man - especially the hand-written addendum from your mom."

'I see an applicant being hired!'

'Congratulations, you've got the job. Unfortunately though, you'll be constantly late, and we'll fire you in two months.'

I think you should go after my job!