Interview Imaginer Gifts

"Where do you see yourself in the next twenty minutes at 375 degrees."

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

'You'll have to take an online company aptitude test, but if you're the designer we're looking for, you've already designed an app for that.'

I'm a self-made man!

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

"The company is very keen on diversity, could you reapply as a woman?"

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'

'It's a senior management position. We need someone who can listen politely, and then say no.'

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

Do you have any other skills?

You're next, Mr. Kimble - right after his apple danish.

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"

'You lack the expertise we're looking for, Mr Wheaton - but darn it, I like your attitude.'

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

"Listen, pal, I’m not seeing a ‘giant squirrel eating a rib-eye steak.’"

"This resumé has the kind of sizzle we're looking for."

"In addition to 'loyalty' are there any OTHER qualities you think you could bring to the job?"

'I treat everyone here the same as my family. . . like s**t.'

'A short economics test - if you bought something for

"In my old job we were encouraged to run fast and break things."

"Yes, we do accept resumes online, but there's more to it than giving me your computer with your resume on it."

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"I'm looking for a 'yes man' who can say 'no' without sounding negative"

'And we have an employee wellness program. By not offering health insurance or sick pay, we encourage wellness.'

"Can I multi-task? As a single mom I'm both the bread-winner and bread-baker!"

'Your resume and interview were so bad, not only did you not get the job, I'm having you arrested as well.'

"Wow...your resume is quite impressive."

"Your CV will be sufficient, Mr. Cooper."

"You say you’re currently holding down 3 jobs...very impressive."

"According to your resume, you've done just about everything except ever having a job."

"Brilliant cover letter, lousy résumé."