Interview Gurus Gifts

"I didn't get a job at the job fair, but I got a blue ribbon for best resume."

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

'Can you do more work then is humanly possible?'

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

"I see by your resume this would be your first time in a symbiotic relationship."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

'I'm looking fo someone who can make me laugh.'

'I'm sure that you are highly qualified. It's just that we're not hiring anyone at the third grade level.'

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

Do you have any other skills?

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"

"Bob doesn't do well in job interviews, so he hired me. I'm a professional actor who specializes in these situations."

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

"We offer 104 vacation days...otherwise known as weekends."

"I'm looking for a 'yes man' who can say 'no' without sounding negative"

'Your resume and interview were so bad, not only did you not get the job, I'm having you arrested as well.'

"Wow...your resume is quite impressive."

And I like to call this my 'dance of the enhanced PEP at alternative firms'.

"I believe you'll like our company. We pay our employees time and a fifth."

"It's a shame, excellent recommendations and a superb skill set but lacks the boiling hot all consuming ambition and ruthless desire for self promotion required as head of stationary procurement."

"You say you’re currently holding down 3 jobs...very impressive."

'Your CV says in your last job you were responsible for...'

"So, you want to work at our firm, Eh?"

'Why do you want a career in the bank?'

I think you'll appreciate my resume. It's printed on a fridge magnet.

'Alright, throw in your resume and the 'Get A Job' potion will be complete.'

Help wanted. Various positions available.

'Cat job interviews.'