Interview Addict Pillows

'This is a very impressive resume. Did you pad it yourself.'

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"You're going to have to submit to peer review eventually, Bradshaw!"

"Really? They're now giving out non-participation trophies?"

"Don't get the wrong idea about those years in a mental institution. I was employed there."

Do you have any other skills?

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

"I'm looking for a 'yes man' who can say 'no' without sounding negative"

'Your resume and interview were so bad, not only did you not get the job, I'm having you arrested as well.'

"That's the last time I write my own resume!"

"You say you’re currently holding down 3 jobs...very impressive."

"So, you want to work at our firm, Eh?"

And I like to call this my 'dance of the enhanced PEP at alternative firms'.

Help wanted. Various positions available.

'The position carries no salary, just healthcare coverage.'

'Okay, I'm going to make the phone ring just once, and I want you to refrain from picking up. Bite the towel if you have to.

"Would you like something you're under qualified for, or something you're overqualified for?"

The Invention of the Wheel

'He will observe your text now...'

'How many words per minute do you type?'

'You don't want the job, do you?'

"And where do you see your mustache in five years?"

Modern Narcissism

'Have you got a resume?'

"Where do you see yourself five lives from now?"

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

Don't use live interviews as rehearsals-practise and prepare.

"I enjoyed your resume, young man - especially the hand-written addendum from your mom."

"How would you rate your toleration for risk?"

I think you should go after my job!