Reality Show Addict Pillows

'Television sales are down for the first time in a decade.'

'They're just like us, except they watch more television.'

Overshadowed by the Tony's: Broadway's Lesser Known Awards

Stephen Fry

"This just in... the country has adopted a 24 hr military clock... ...details at 23."

"The end of my favorite series is near."

"Oh joy. Looks like the turkey is almost done..."

"Please don't watch this show! There's a viewer trigger warning and a short fuse alert."

'The following programme contains scones of a sexual nature.'

"Despite thoroughly scraping the celebrity barrel, that Orwellian nightmare Celebrity Big Brother is back on our screens again."

'No, you can't just watch the end of Bargainhunt!'

"Not fair! Being really into movies is my thing!"

Starvation Watching

Astrological forecasts of the rich and famous

'The inaugural address? It's sort of like an opening monologue.'

Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what is good on Netflix.

Do you go for Hannity or O'Reilly? Tough call. O'Reilly's presence is so big, fearless. Whereas Hannity has a wicked fast tongue and such inner strength. As symbolized externally by his jawline. O'Reilly is so tall. Something strange is happening. Coulter's a bit masculine for my tastes. Ditto. HOJ.

Death Styles of the Rich and Famous

"What's the best way to break up a marriage?"

"It's General Douglas MacArthur."

Hot New Talk Shows!

"Alright, I'll talk. Just please, stop with the good-cop, ab-cop routine."

'In an unexpected development, an illegal alien won 'American Idol.''

Love Island

"I wonder which will come first. Me finishing this binge worthy Netflix series or another Netflix rate hike."

"This is too hard, but I'd recognize him on his own."

'We've been picking up your television broadcasts, and we're here to buy some of those neat steak knives!'

'Bad news. Your arm is too injured to hold up those sneakers you endorse on TV.'

"He goes through the TV listings deleting all the 'trash' I like."

Battle chefs

June Brown

Goose escapes the tv.

Eleven/Millie Bobby Brown

"The DNA does not lie Mrs Miggins...or should I call you Don Escobar Bolivian drugs czar?"

'No. 5, please step forward, open your coat, and say, 'ho, ho, ho.''