Interview Addict Prints

'This is a very impressive resume. Did you pad it yourself.'

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"You're going to have to submit to peer review eventually, Bradshaw!"

"Really? They're now giving out non-participation trophies?"

Do you have any other skills?

"Don't get the wrong idea about those years in a mental institution. I was employed there."

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

"I'm looking for a 'yes man' who can say 'no' without sounding negative"

'Your resume and interview were so bad, not only did you not get the job, I'm having you arrested as well.'

And I like to call this my 'dance of the enhanced PEP at alternative firms'.

"That's nice, but do you have any references other than your Mom?"

"You say you’re currently holding down 3 jobs...very impressive."

"That's the last time I write my own resume!"

"So, you want to work at our firm, Eh?"

Help wanted. Various positions available.

"I see you have a lot of experience in re-tail. . ."

'The position carries no salary, just healthcare coverage.'

"Would you like something you're under qualified for, or something you're overqualified for?"

'He will observe your text now...'

'How many words per minute do you type?'

'Okay, I'm going to make the phone ring just once, and I want you to refrain from picking up. Bite the towel if you have to.

"Again, you may exercise your right to remain silent, but it's going to work against you since this is a job interview."

The Invention of the Wheel

'You don't want the job, do you?'

"And where do you see your mustache in five years?"

"Where do you see yourself five lives from now?"

'Have you got a resume?'

Modern Narcissism

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

Multi-Species Employment Agency. Did you hire the octopus for that job opening? Yeah, but I did interview other applicants. The frog was a strong candidate ... I'm flexible on location -- I'm an amphibian! The whale seemed to be hiding something. The gap in my resume? Uh ... I was beached for a while. And the pig wasn't smart. I see "USDA Approved" on your resume --- I don't think you understand what that means. The octopus got the job because he was a great multitasker!

"How would you rate your toleration for risk?"

'... and finally, before tip-off, let's all be courteous and turn off our cell phones.'

I think you should go after my job!

Infection Control Center. Now Hiring. I should have said "I'm not afraid of hard work" rather than "I don't mind getting my hands dirty."