Innovation Cynic Gifts

'I told you that thing would mess up the environment!'

'Williams, we're not used to receiving such excellent ideas as these, so we'd like to tone them down a bit.'

Valuable business advice from some famous disruptive technologies.

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

Crap from the future.

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

'Let's keep in mind that although quitters never win, they often manage to avoid litigation.'

Stock market investment advice

"They found a use for that old paper shredder."

"You knew this was a soul-sucking job when you took it."

'The company's in great shape financially. Hey, a bent but still usable staple!'

'I sometimes wonder if these endless meetings accomplish anything.'

Go slow delegating authority. First learn how to delegate blame.

'We use a modified 'carrot and stick' approach here - We've done away with the carrot.'

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

'Don't worry about the company's pension plan. The way we work you, you'll be lucky to live that long!'

Newfangled contraceptions phobia: 'David, David, we're sinking! Our water bed has sprung a leak!'

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

"I've given up trying to be on top of things."

'I'd like you to become a smaller, lower-paid version of myself.'

'Don't worry about doing the right thing. There'll be plenty of time for that when you're fired,retired,or reincarnated.'

"Well you said you wanted a simple, cheap solution!" (IT Solutions).

'The position carries no health benefits but we do give you a mantra which you can recite daily to promote good health.'

'The project isn't that important, so put some of your worst people on it.'

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

'I might give you the benefit of the doubt. But I doubt it.'

Brilliant suggestion Kimble, to get rid of all the deadwood around here - we'll miss you.

"Stocks rose today on news that even higher taxes won't stop the rich from getting richer."

"We need to make some cuts. We’ll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

"So we all agree to reduce our company motto to 'It was the least we could do'?"

'The company was quite generous. They gave me a whole day off for the funeral.'

"'I've been promoted from 'peon' to 'nameless cog'.'"

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"