Inheritance Jokes Appreciator Pillows

"If you really want independence, you should get into contract law."

Cat and dog at a will reading.

"As the executor for your mother's estate, let me say that she loved each of you, but she also loved Las Vegas."

"...so it appears we were talking to his butt that entire time."

'Did you want to bring on a sub'

Laughing Zone Ahead

"Look at their faces! What did they expect? They never visited her! Of course the will says her money goes to the cat shelter. . ."

"So I'm perfectly healthy? That's good but will I still be able to research symptoms online and panic?"

"I think you should be aware that the chef is a summer intern."

"You'll feel a pinch and then a burn."

'Did you really mean both me and a hippopotamus evolved from a tiny blob in the ocean?'

'Excuse me, I ordered Matzo Ball soup.'

'HEY! Shouldn't that be a reef-knot?!'

"...you mean this is the end of the 3 bandidoes?"

"I'll tell you my diagnosis if you promise not to laugh."

"Have you had a stressful experience lately, such as an accident?"

'Don't worry about making your will, Miss Moneybags leave everything to me. . .'

'The guy at the end of the bar, would like to know if he can get you to buy him another drink?'

A planet like ours - "Oh no, last time we got romantic, I ended up having to grow a new head."

'I'm counter - intelligence'

'Cycle shop' selling puncture repair kits next door to a 'Sex shop' selling inflatable dolls

"There's no need for your kitty to be envious. After state and federal taxes and legal administrative fees, Chessy's share of Aunt Martha's estate came to hardly anything."

Alfred Marquez, Probate Attorney - Heir club for men.

'Your uncle donated his brain to Harvard and, unfortunately, they used it to figure out a way to get the rest of his money.'

OMG.

'...Oh yeah? Well I've never heard of the 'denture fairy'.'

Due to Global Warming Penguins have been Spotted Far from their Natural Habitat

'This isn't Armageddon... it's a bar brawl on a Saturday night. Let Pestilence read the map.'

"I had a consultation with a plastic surgeon. Now I have to decide whether I want to look old or look weird."

"...and the dung was this big!.... No...elephant, actually."

Medicine bottle - If symptoms persist, die!