Illness Irony Gifts

'I can only describe it as one of those symptoms that goes away whenever I see a doctor.'

Back in a snap (chiropractor).

"The answer isn't more troops—what you need is an antibiotic."

'But I feel quite healthy.'

"My Dad has just come out of hospital."

'The good news is that you'll be able to continue working and pay my bill.'

'OK, that's two triple bacon double cheese burgers with extra mayo. Would you like a will with that?'

'My doctor has been dropping subtle hints for me to loose weight.'

I can't come in today. I haven't got chronic diarrhoea!

"I missed my last appointment, because I was feeling poorly."

"Don't be so dramatic, you've only got a cold!"

'They don't have any side effects, nor any other effect whatsoever!'

Universal Soldier/ Local Anaesthetic

'Now, don't panic, but I'd like you to take off all your clothes so we can burn them.'

Cold Remedies

Someone putting parasite ornaments on a tree.

'Oh yeah? Well, Dr. Rose predicts that my inevitable stress-induced massive coronary will strike in half the time as yours.'

"It's your work. Are you still sick or what?"

"I had trouble opening the child-proof cap."

My exercise routine is to change channels every time there's an ad about junk food.

'They're using honey to draw us out! Fortunately, they underestimate our willpower.'

'Make it a double and make it neat: I'm trying to cut back on flouride.'

"… All the lab work confirms it — I’m sorry, Mr. Franklin … You’re old."

"Let's face it: Life can be life threatening."

"Good news! Your health care provider has agreed to pay for that tongue depressor I used on you. However, you will have to pay for everything else."

With a high temperature and sore throat Terry felt like he was at deaths door.

'You're in bad shape...except for your jaws.'

'I really hate going to hospital.' 'I know. It's unfortunate you're a neurosurgeon.'

I need some medication for an infection I'm going to get next Friday!'

Man sits outside an STD clinic thinking of the twelve days of Christmas.

"The doctor will see you sometime before 9 a.m. and 4."

'-pop in tomorrow and avoid the rash'

"Mind if I smoke?"

'You really ought to do something about that leprosy, Walter.'

'The doctor said I've got to take a pill every day for the rest of my life. But he only gave me 5!'