Identical Twin Humorist Pillows

"I knew you'd like this place."

"And there we have it, gentlemen! The first full face transplant swap of twins."

'A boy at school was named after his father. They've called him Dad.'

'To begin with, he's from Mars, I'm from Venus...'

Bride of Frankenstein charges her phone

'You don't sniff my butt anymore.'

"You're the only one in this department who has survived the staff cuts. I can only advise you to do your job well, otherwise I'll have to fire you too, got that?"

'I think you're mistaking me for my twin sister.'

'Can't you tell people about our new swimming pool without saying I've 'gone off the deep end?''

"Am I seeing double? You and your twin are the experts, why don't you two tell me!"

'I don't like the look of yours...'

'What do you want that for? You're already going nowhere fast.'

'Actually, we're members of a mountain climbing club named for sir Edmund Hillary.'

'Mom says she has a souffle in the oven - Does that mean I'm going to have a baby brother?'

Fauna Hybrids

Don Quixote and Dulcinea

"Wonderful! The back of my head looks exactly like the back of George Clooney's head."

'The man at the beer store said this ale is made without any harmful chemicals, so I added some myself.'

"At this point, we're only staying together for the sake of the pets."

The Ventriloquist's Arms

"You look good in that."

"You'd better switch off your personal alarm I don't want to to disturb your parents."

'You got the wrong guy. I'm not a guru, I'm a consultant.'

"Technically, I don't think you can claim to have saved your husband's life on several occasions just because you haven't killed him!"

Perks of self-employment.

"It's your work. Are you still sick or what?"

'Went in for a simple blood test and got cloned by mistake.'

'Ordinarily no two legal problems are alike. However, in your case...'

"I finally memorized my bug number."

'Frankly, I think you've got a cheek asking me if you're the fairest of them all.'

Computamatch.

"Trust me, anyone who reads this 300,000 years from now will thank me."

'Do the patches help?'

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