Identical Twin Humorist Pillows

"I knew you'd like this place."

"And there we have it, gentlemen! The first full face transplant swap of twins."

'A boy at school was named after his father. They've called him Dad.'

'To begin with, he's from Mars, I'm from Venus...'

Bride of Frankenstein charges her phone

"Edgar, I'm talking to you! For goodness sake, has the cat got your tongue?"

'You don't sniff my butt anymore.'

"You're the only one in this department who has survived the staff cuts. I can only advise you to do your job well, otherwise I'll have to fire you too, got that?"

'Can't you tell people about our new swimming pool without saying I've 'gone off the deep end?''

'I don't like the look of yours...'

'I think you're mistaking me for my twin sister.'

"Am I seeing double? You and your twin are the experts, why don't you two tell me!"

Fauna Hybrids

'Mom says she has a souffle in the oven - Does that mean I'm going to have a baby brother?'

'Actually, we're members of a mountain climbing club named for sir Edmund Hillary.'

Don Quixote and Dulcinea

'What do you want that for? You're already going nowhere fast.'

"Wonderful! The back of my head looks exactly like the back of George Clooney's head."

"You look good in that."

'The man at the beer store said this ale is made without any harmful chemicals, so I added some myself.'

"At this point, we're only staying together for the sake of the pets."

'You got the wrong guy. I'm not a guru, I'm a consultant.'

The Ventriloquist's Arms

"You'd better switch off your personal alarm I don't want to to disturb your parents."

"Technically, I don't think you can claim to have saved your husband's life on several occasions just because you haven't killed him!"

Perks of self-employment.

"It's your work. Are you still sick or what?"

'Went in for a simple blood test and got cloned by mistake.'

"I finally memorized my bug number."

'Ordinarily no two legal problems are alike. However, in your case...'

'Do the patches help?'

'Frankly, I think you've got a cheek asking me if you're the fairest of them all.'

Psst … How can you tell the twins apart? They smell identical!

"Trust me, anyone who reads this 300,000 years from now will thank me."

Computamatch.