Hypnomaniac Gifts

'It's the latest thing - surgery under hypnosis.'

'I checked the database, Mrs. Nimitz. There's no such symptom.'

"So, what did you do at charter school today?"

'I hope what I have isn't catching.'

'I told you not to look up your ailments on the internet' - computer screen reads 'You have 3 days to live',

Hypochondria Hospital

'I know just how you feel.'

I'd like a second opinion on your self-diagnosis - So a random guy from the waiting room is googling your symptoms.

"Apparently reading about cancer can give you cancer!"

"Hypochondriac's handbook. A little passion project I'm working on;, or, rather, I would be working on."

'No, you haven't missed much. Pretty well everyone called in sick.'

'Life is ruining your health.'

'Good to see you, Doc! I wonder if you could take a look at my left upper arm that hurts when I do this?'

Stay away from Pigs.

'While I'm here, Doctor . . .'

'What seems to be the problem?' - 'I've got bubonic plague.' - 'Okay... so what symptoms do you have?' - 'Well, I feel chilly and I had a muscle cramp. They're both symptoms of plague.' - 'I hate Wikipedia.' - 'It says here that you should prescribe...'

"I looked up my symptoms on the Internet and it said I might get old!"

"I unleash greed, disease, and death on the world, and you're saying you ate an apple that made you smart?"

Hospital. Patient to stomach specialist: 'What's your gut-feeling, Doctor?'

I feel fine! Ready to go home!

"How's your book coming?"

'Are you a hypochondriac who has everything but your regular placebo isn't doing the job? Talk to your doctor about the new extra-strength placebo.'

"Well, Phil, after years of vague complaints and imaginary ailments, we finally have something to work with."

'You have what we in the medical profession call, a mystery illness, which might give you an idea of the prognosis.'

"Don't be so dramatic, you've only got a cold!"

Placebo Clinic: 'Mr Yomp, someone who may or may not be a doctor, will see you now...'

"According to this website my symptoms show that I'm dead!"

'You're allergic to medical allergy bracelets.'

"When Kevin walked into a room, he lit it up."

"I feel fine but according to my new watch I might be DEAD!"

"O.K. Which one of you worried well is the most worried?"

'A second opinion would be appreciated only if confirms my opinion.'

'The tests came back positive. There's not doubt about it. You're a flake!'

'It's that hypochondriac parrot!'

"I think I've caught that cold that's going around."