Ironic Kleptomaniac Gifts

'I could make a lot more progress treating your kleptomania if you'd stop swiping my notes after every session!'

"Little help?"

The First Fire Stick

"Still Undecided Political Blocs"

"We suggest you study the menu in our reading room before being seated in the dining room."

Hydration

Boy copying abstract artwork in an art gallery.

Thanksgiving Turkey Fortune: "Why the silence?"

Gigolo Diary

'Thank you for waiting. Please continue to hold and your call will bee answered as soon as we can.'

'Your hair is messy,stand up straight. You look unkempt.'

"You only get one chance to make a great exhaustion."

"... Or, if you're tired of listening to all of these automated options and would like to cancel your call, press 9."

"How's your book coming?"

'Hey man that's a gas!'

'While 10-15 years of cellaring are recommended and would certainly improve the bouquet and taste, no, there'sno reason why you can't go out back, behind the dumpster and down the whole thing in 1 chug.'

"They're all down there sentenced to an an eternity of fornication, licentiousness and intoxication."

Therapists to watch out for: 'How long have you had this unnatural fear of wolves?'

"I never appreciated having a cat until I lost my hair."

I resist all change, except for TV channels, of course!

'I couldn't get the cap off the prescription bottle. What did you die of?'

"We outsourced our joyless TV dinners to a delightful couple from next door."

Young Che Guevara contemplates a career in t-shirt design.

'The tracks are getting fresher. He's close by.'

"Honey, it's me. Listen, I'm having second thoughts on fish for dinner."

Quick, take a photo - it's her first ironic smile!

"Look, a plastic punk!!"

The Grim Reefer: 'DUDE,that was,like,your last puff,MAN.'

King and Queen of Hearts.

"She's been looking forward to this for years - she even took dancing lessons!"

"Et tu, Muffy? Et tu?"

Nifty ways to dump your lover; use the toilet seat as a picture frame.

'This can't be paradise - the reception is terrible!'

I don't know what came over me that week – I'm not normally that creative.

Water Music/Noise Pollution.