Humorously Healthy Gifts

"I'm trying to eat more vegetarians."

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

Turn your head and laugh.

'I've got this feeling, like a heavy weight on my stomach.'

"Looks like you both suffer from IBS. You...irritable bowel. Your friend...irritable burl."

'It was at this point that I insisted all employees eat their vegetables.'

"How am I supposed to trust my gut when it can't even handle a little dairy?"

'When I die could you preserve my liver for medical research? You've done that already.'

"Wuhan virus, Ebola, West Nile, Asian Flu. . . what's wrong with good old American diseases?"

'It's a clear case of dehydration.'

"Actually that's not the cause of your persistent headaches."

'I know dieting requires a change of lifestyle, Helen, but this is ridiculous!'

'I'll take #1.'

Lard Lite - Marketing

'Chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered strawberries...is not what I mean when I said that fruit is healthy for you.'

"This can't be right. I was supposed to lose 20 lbs before my next annual exam - maybe I should postpone my appointment for ... another year."

'The only thing wrong with you is that you're holding up my golf game.'

"C'mon, walk it off!"

'They worry about their cholesterol, but they don't give a damn about ours!'

You're going to give me a hay fever shot? Shouldn't I be getting an anti hay fever shot?

"Does this antibiotic go better with a white wine, or red?"

While singing the popular song, Clay was disturbed to discover that his thigh bone wasn't connected to his hip bone, that it was, in fact, connected to nothing.

"I'm afraid a hearing aid will make me look old."

"Patient. . . seems. . . reluctant. . . to get his. . . prostate. . . checked. . ."

'The bad news is you've got something no one's ever heard of...the good news is we're naming it after you!'

Multitasking: Psychiatry and Podiatry.

'I asked my doc for a diet plan and it works great - thanks to his usurious bills, I can't afford a car or taxis and that's why I'm losing weight by walking!'

With exercise equipment, it goes on layaway after I buy it.

'I don't care what anyone says! This is really hard work!'

'This is spinach, Grandma. Spinach isn't grandmotherly.'

CITY CLINIC: 'I want to see whichever doctor is the fattest.'

"I like the idea of getting rid of our junk food, but instead of throwing the fridge out, you could've just thrown the food out."

'You can eat whatever you like on this diet, and here's a list of whatever you like.'

Computer: 'You-are-spending-too-much-time-interfacing-with-food'

'If we could just figure out some high-energy diet, we wouldn't have to spend the hole day eating.'