Health-conscious Chuckles Gifts

Light Mayo

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

'I've got this feeling, like a heavy weight on my stomach.'

Turn your head and laugh.

Moo-Magrams Exams

'Good lord, Mrs. Frost, how long has he been running a fever?!'

"Looks like you both suffer from IBS. You...irritable bowel. Your friend...irritable burl."

"How am I supposed to trust my gut when it can't even handle a little dairy?"

"...and the King Cholesterol Meal comes with a side order of CPR."

"Wuhan virus, Ebola, West Nile, Asian Flu. . . what's wrong with good old American diseases?"

'I know dieting requires a change of lifestyle, Helen, but this is ridiculous!'

'When I die could you preserve my liver for medical research? You've done that already.'

"Actually that's not the cause of your persistent headaches."

'Pistachio ice cream does not cpont as a serving of greens.'

'It's a clear case of dehydration.'

'I'll take #1.'

"I'm trying to eat more vegetarians."

Lard Lite - Marketing

' ... and a side order of statins.'

'The only thing wrong with you is that you're holding up my golf game.'

'I have to ask; do you really care if your double-cheese bacon sausage pepperoni pizza is gluten-free?'

"C'mon, walk it off!"

"This IS our diet pizza. As I told you, it's a hole pie."

"Does this antibiotic go better with a white wine, or red?"

"You're getting too much fiber."

'They worry about their cholesterol, but they don't give a damn about ours!'

You're going to give me a hay fever shot? Shouldn't I be getting an anti hay fever shot?

"I remember the days of skim, 1% and even 2%. Now, it's right to the whole milk section."

While singing the popular song, Clay was disturbed to discover that his thigh bone wasn't connected to his hip bone, that it was, in fact, connected to nothing.

"I'm afraid a hearing aid will make me look old."

"Patient. . . seems. . . reluctant. . . to get his. . . prostate. . . checked. . ."

The big bad wolf uses an inhaler before he blows down the three little pigs' straw house.

'The bad news is you've got something no one's ever heard of...the good news is we're naming it after you!'

Clown with balloons to diabetic: 'Hey, could you take your shot over there?'

'I asked my doc for a diet plan and it works great - thanks to his usurious bills, I can't afford a car or taxis and that's why I'm losing weight by walking!'