Health-conscious Chuckles T-Shirts

Light Mayo

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

'I've got this feeling, like a heavy weight on my stomach.'

'Good lord, Mrs. Frost, how long has he been running a fever?!'

"...and the King Cholesterol Meal comes with a side order of CPR."

"How am I supposed to trust my gut when it can't even handle a little dairy?"

"Looks like you both suffer from IBS. You...irritable bowel. Your friend...irritable burl."

'It's a clear case of dehydration.'

"Actually that's not the cause of your persistent headaches."

'When I die could you preserve my liver for medical research? You've done that already.'

'I know dieting requires a change of lifestyle, Helen, but this is ridiculous!'

'I'll take #1.'

"Wuhan virus, Ebola, West Nile, Asian Flu. . . what's wrong with good old American diseases?"

'Pistachio ice cream does not cpont as a serving of greens.'

"I'm trying to eat more vegetarians."

Lard Lite - Marketing

' ... and a side order of statins.'

"C'mon, walk it off!"

'I have to ask; do you really care if your double-cheese bacon sausage pepperoni pizza is gluten-free?'

'The only thing wrong with you is that you're holding up my golf game.'

"Does this antibiotic go better with a white wine, or red?"

You're going to give me a hay fever shot? Shouldn't I be getting an anti hay fever shot?

"This IS our diet pizza. As I told you, it's a hole pie."

"You're getting too much fiber."

"I remember the days of skim, 1% and even 2%. Now, it's right to the whole milk section."

'They worry about their cholesterol, but they don't give a damn about ours!'

While singing the popular song, Clay was disturbed to discover that his thigh bone wasn't connected to his hip bone, that it was, in fact, connected to nothing.

"I'm afraid a hearing aid will make me look old."

"Patient. . . seems. . . reluctant. . . to get his. . . prostate. . . checked. . ."

The big bad wolf uses an inhaler before he blows down the three little pigs' straw house.

'I asked my doc for a diet plan and it works great - thanks to his usurious bills, I can't afford a car or taxis and that's why I'm losing weight by walking!'

Computer: 'You-are-spending-too-much-time-interfacing-with-food'

Clown with balloons to diabetic: 'Hey, could you take your shot over there?'