Humorous Alibist Gifts

It's a very popular pub. If you ring home you can say you're at the office.

"... and I have a follow-up question regarding rawhide."

'Think how all that chatting is affecting global warming.'

"It was a lot more satisfying before 'catch and release.'"

"Staring down the enemy in the heat of battle! That is how sausage is made!"

'That's your third bowl of gruel this week! What is this -- a feeding frenzy?'

"How the hell is that supposed to feed us?"

Ranked Voting in N.Y.C.

"Are you the one they call El Cóndor?"

'...And you're always complaining about the government's international trade agreements'

'Goodbye, dear. This is the kind of day that makes you feel glad to be alive.'

'Do you want your pie-chart with everything?'

'And remember: just hold up this little green paper, and they will do whatever you want.'

"First destination: the recycling center to get rid of these cans."

'I just found out that our credit union is illusory!'

I think the speed grazing record is in the bag!

'Is not the evidence of the accussed, members of the jury, a earrage of evasion and lies Do bears, or do bears not shit, in the woods'

"You look good for your age."

"It's obvious Jesus accepts everyone. His disciples were fishermen, and we know what kind of lies we tell."

"All the good ones are neutered."

"I'm using my married name right now, but I'm keeping my maiden name on ice, just in case."

Swiss Referendum

Adam and Eve

"I disagree. I think we're ninety percent breeding and ten percent grooming."

Jesus Fish

"Wisdom is growing your hair long so the hairs growing in your ears don't show

"Okay, but I'd like a charity receipt for my taxes."

"It's a couch, not a settee, you posh git!"

"Before you do that, let me check the extinction date."

"It's a lovingly handcrafted beer, citra and summit hopped, with notes of lime, passion fruit and ...."

'My body was a temple, now it's the Acropolis.'

'They always off the mom.'

"Michael Sherlock once said: 'Religion isn't about peace, love, or the betterment of our species, it's about power and control. Religion uses fear to control and milk its flocks. Fear of God. Fear of the Devil. Fear of death. Fear of being seen as deviant for expressing non-belief. Fear of social sanctions and in some countries, fear of legal sanctions. Fear is a powerful tool to manipulate the masses and religion has mastered its employment.' ..."

'I tend to look on the negative side of things. Do you guys do rose coloured glasses'

"What a screwup. I was only supposed to get a hip replacement."