Humorists Under Pressure Pillows

In Case of Emergency - Break Glass and take a BIG SWIG!

"O.K., time's up. Pencils down."

"L.L. Bean slippers... $25.00 Ambulance ride to hospital... $500.00 X-rays of spine... $350.00 Three refills of hydrocodone... priceless!"

"When all else fails, blow darts still get their attention."

Road rage on a mobility scooter.

"Outta my way. I need to check my email!"

"My instagram feed is basically people, dog food, and tennis balls."

"Cancel the trip. The cook didn't get a visa."

"It's funny 'cos it's true!"

My Folks, dressed up like Eskimos

"'Let's introduce him to a mirror' he said. 'It'll be fun he said'. You call the coroner!"

Computer tech support sacred offering

'Tell me about yourself. If I stay awake, you've got the job.'

"Apparently, the new boss isn't exactly a barrel of laughs."

'Thank you for your unsolicited parenting advice! In return, I'd like to tell you about a method I know for removing those unsightly age spots.'

Vulture waiting outside a failing business.

"We moved to the sea to get away from the crowd, only to find they'd moved to the sea."

'You've got to help me, Doc -- I keep switching long-distance companies!'

It went out. The program must have crashed.

'What I want for Christmas is a bigger carrot'

'I had a really bad day at work! . . . I was expecting it to be utterly horrific. . . but in the end it was just really bad. . . My cracked glass is half full!'

'So, Mr. Ross, you want us all to believe this murder was just a 'mistake'? Come on, Bob. Don't you really mean a 'happy little accident''

Windup yoga

'It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is he died laughing before her could tell anybody.'

'Every time I get paid my creditors form a flash mob.'

What's with all the cameras? They're filming seniors for college field hockey recruiters. I'll never be good enough to get admitted. It's just a game. In the real world. No one cared you even played. Then why do they make us do sports? To take your mind off all the college pressure!

'...Or, if you're on a budget, there's always the La Brea tar pits.'

'Great news! Our credit card limit has been raised enough for us to pay off our bankruptcy lawyer!'

'I've been lucky with men - I haven't met any yet...'

"I know this sounds corny, Bob, but for me, the true measure of success is when I can look at the man in the mirror each day and still find a way to blame my parents for everything wrong in my life!"

"Young farmers are ALWAYS finding something to moan about, but 18 hours days in all conditions never did me any harm!"

'Gloria, tell my nine-o'clock to go to hell.'

'I see you're aware of the problem with the phones.'

'Wait, I have a coupon for $500,000 off that hammer.'

'Can we afford to get up?'