Humorists Under Pressure Pillows

In Case of Emergency - Break Glass and take a BIG SWIG!

"O.K., time's up. Pencils down."

"L.L. Bean slippers... $25.00 Ambulance ride to hospital... $500.00 X-rays of spine... $350.00 Three refills of hydrocodone... priceless!"

"When all else fails, blow darts still get their attention."

Road rage on a mobility scooter.

"Outta my way. I need to check my email!"

"My instagram feed is basically people, dog food, and tennis balls."

"It's funny 'cos it's true!"

My Folks, dressed up like Eskimos

"'Let's introduce him to a mirror' he said. 'It'll be fun he said'. You call the coroner!"

Computer tech support sacred offering

'Tell me about yourself. If I stay awake, you've got the job.'

"Apparently, the new boss isn't exactly a barrel of laughs."

Vulture waiting outside a failing business.

'You've got to help me, Doc -- I keep switching long-distance companies!'

"We moved to the sea to get away from the crowd, only to find they'd moved to the sea."

'What I want for Christmas is a bigger carrot'

Windup yoga

'Every time I get paid my creditors form a flash mob.'

'It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is he died laughing before her could tell anybody.'

'I had a really bad day at work! . . . I was expecting it to be utterly horrific. . . but in the end it was just really bad. . . My cracked glass is half full!'

'...Or, if you're on a budget, there's always the La Brea tar pits.'

'Great news! Our credit card limit has been raised enough for us to pay off our bankruptcy lawyer!'

'I've been lucky with men - I haven't met any yet...'

"I know this sounds corny, Bob, but for me, the true measure of success is when I can look at the man in the mirror each day and still find a way to blame my parents for everything wrong in my life!"

'Gloria, tell my nine-o'clock to go to hell.'

"Young farmers are ALWAYS finding something to moan about, but 18 hours days in all conditions never did me any harm!"

'I see you're aware of the problem with the phones.'

'Wait, I have a coupon for $500,000 off that hammer.'

'Can we afford to get up?'

You have back-breaking syndrome. Throw away your credit cards, refinance your mortgage and switch the kids out of private schools into public schools.