Hell-bound Humorists Pillows

'Gloria, tell my nine-o'clock to go to hell.'

Contrary to popular belief, the road to Hell is paved with a comprehensive, lifetime tax return.

"Hey, I'm just playing devil's avocado!"

"You'll have to excuse my date. He spontaneously combusts from time to time."

"Well, we got the grant."

One of Dracula's 'coffin mournings'.

'Took calcium supplements for years without paying for them.'

"Hey samson, nice man bun."

'I was on my way to Heaven, when they stumbled across my blog...'

"We remain reasonably confident that once we nail down the little network problem we're having, all Hell will be able to break loose according to the modified schedule, which, unfortunately, is in a file we can't seem to locate right now."

Transylvanian Snails.

"Running out for lawyers and CEOs. Want anything?"

'Dude! Did you even check if that cloak had a flame retardant, before you bought it?'

"I had money problems- forged fivers the wrong colour!"

Special Place in Hell...

'Wrong fork. Good Lord, man, don't you have any table manners?'

'Tastes like it's been stored next to a blazing furnace for twenty years - Perfect!'

Born Cynical,,,,

Bureau of alcohol, tobacco, firearms and other neat stuff.

Self-Help Books / Fixing Others.

"His schlock has gravitas."

'You do realize that's just a giant novelty fork, right? They used to have one in the restaurant where I worked.'

"Your call is very important to us. Please hold the line...for eternity!"

"Master Vlad, we must not forget wearing our bib when we go out playing at night."

"Well... Can't say I'm surprised!"

"Thanks for bringing the party mix, but. . ."

'This next song is one I wrote before I souled out.'

Fishermen catching each other as fish looks on.

666 Hades Circle