Hellish Humorists Pillows

"We remain reasonably confident that once we nail down the little network problem we're having, all Hell will be able to break loose according to the modified schedule, which, unfortunately, is in a file we can't seem to locate right now."

"Your call is very important to us. Please hold the line...for eternity!"

'I hate Mondays.'

"So you see. . . I didn't 'fail' at retirement. . ."

Contrary to popular belief, the road to Hell is paved with a comprehensive, lifetime tax return.

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

"Hey, I'm just playing devil's avocado!"

'Pre-existing conditions - What did YOU die of?'

"Perhaps more people would give heed unto the word of the Lord if the Lord had a funny blog."

Curse my curiosity and four stomachs!

"From this you make a living?"

'And your class story is an old, old one. In the middle of successful soul-snatching careers you were suddenly bitten by the lawyering bug...'

'Took calcium supplements for years without paying for them.'

"Well if it isn't Mr J.R.Hartley!"

"Well, we got the grant."

'It's your turn to put the cat out.'

'The problem is you're a perfectionist. You don't always have to be totally evil. Sometimes it's OK to just be annoying.'

'I was on my way to Heaven, when they stumbled across my blog...'

'Melvin, you're trying my patience.'

Transylvanian Snails.

"From here on out it's term and conditions."

We never fly anywhere anymore.

Hellbillies.

'One nice thing about this, it has overcome my fear of height.'

"Glad to see you Hotchkins... Abernathy must have been the company embezzler!"

"I've got to admit I'm not crazy about the freeway."

'Dude! Did you even check if that cloak had a flame retardant, before you bought it?'

"To play it safe, I still take one aspirin every other day."

'I'm afraid we already have a St. Bernard up here.'

Last Chance To take Selfie For All Eternity.

Special Place in Hell...

'You may choose either everlasting life or whatever is behind the curtain.'

"Attendance is way down. He's just trying to jazz up the place..."

"Nobody wants to hear our stories about death from natural causes."

'Second fastest gun in the west.'