Humorist With An Interest In The Absurdity Of Tech Issues Gifts

Tech Support/Counseling for Anxiety caused by tech-support.

The cell phone soother for life.

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

'...And, from what I understand, they don't have any hard drive at all.'

"Blood pressure 210/140. Heart rate 185. Steps taken 29. Sedentary 9.5 hours. Calories burned 19. You da man! Oh, and you're out of pork rinds." "Our classics TV marathon featuring 'Gunsmoke' will continue after..." "The unfitbit"

"You are still here."

"Basically it makes the same mistakes we've always made - but it makes tham so much faster!"

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

"The central digital platform is temporarily renamed Project Schrödinger’s Cat. Until it is accessed on the 24th February it both is and is not a working system."

Elon Musk in fly me to the moon

"What burns my bottom about www.dazoosucks.com is that we capitalized them."

Robot Robber

"Today, charges that Putin hacked Trump's tweets..."

"Sale. Save 100% of your energy by closing this website. Close now. No, thanks."

"Your confirmation number is 7913842461. To hear this information again press 1."

'We'll have Bubba here check to see if we've idiot-proofed your computer.'

AI Summit

"When they said I'd been replaced by A.I. I'd imagined something more SOPHISTICATED!"

"Here's a blues number written about my inability to remember computer passwords."

Caveman to wheel inventor: 'Nice invention - how do you boot it up?'

This is a voice recognition service...we reserve the right to cut you off if you have an irritating nasal sort of voice.

'Stop! That's no way to get data into the cloud.'

"It's been in self-drive mode all morning, maybe it's not programmed to recognise stop signs?"

'Dad, somehow I got into the IRS files.'

Technophobes Illustrated Dictionary: Worm Virus - Something horny worms are at greater risk of contracting if they choose to solicit the company of worm-whores without protection.

Personnel. You did high-tech work in this railroad job? It was a part-time position --- I was a semi-conductor.

'Hello? IT? Yes, there's been a breach in security and I'm concerned about unauthorised access to my personal details.'

"Are we sure this is how we get our workloads into the cloud?"

"'Page Not Found' always sounds a little 'careless'. Maybe we could replace it with 'Page Temporarily Engaged in Promoting Alternative Client Focused Services'."

"Frankly, you seem a little fleshy for our team."

Mousetrap has captured the wrong type of mouse.

All right, you may tell me about your internet startup idea. It's revolutionary. You know how the only way to tell if you stink is to sniff your armpit? Continue … and you know how embarrassing it is when people you know catch you sniffing your own armpit? Continue ... and you know how apps like "Uber" let you summon total strangers to drive by and provide you a service? Stop right there.

"His last wish was that we delete his browsing history."

Lies on the Internet

"Do I use Google Maps driving or walking directions?"