Humorist With A Genetic Twist Gifts

'So, do you want three or five legged animals?'

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

Clown on bike.

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

"Honey, you're spoiling that child."

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

'Eat less. Drink less. Be merry more.'

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"As the executor for your mother's estate, let me say that she loved each of you, but she also loved Las Vegas."

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

"He was the one everyone called 'The Greatest.' Then one day, a stranger turned up in town."

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

Glance Exchange

'What was that?!' 'A 'Mach'-ing bird.'

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

Honest Vending

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

"Look at their faces! What did they expect? They never visited her! Of course the will says her money goes to the cat shelter. . ."

'I'm going to have an out-of-body experience -- can I bring you anything?'

"It's just a tree."

"How about a hand."

Competitive Eating Competition Competitive Vomiting Competition,

STRIP God' s dog urinating on planet Earth

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from restless dreams, transformed into a monstrous vermin, he thought to himself: never again bourbon and tequila in the same night, and this time, I mean it."