Humorist With A Genetic Twist T-Shirts

'So, do you want three or five legged animals?'

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

Clown on bike.

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

"Honey, you're spoiling that child."

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

'Eat less. Drink less. Be merry more.'

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"As the executor for your mother's estate, let me say that she loved each of you, but she also loved Las Vegas."

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

Honest Vending

"He was the one everyone called 'The Greatest.' Then one day, a stranger turned up in town."

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

Glance Exchange

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

'What was that?!' 'A 'Mach'-ing bird.'

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

Competitive Eating Competition Competitive Vomiting Competition,

'I'm going to have an out-of-body experience -- can I bring you anything?'

"It's just a tree."

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from restless dreams, transformed into a monstrous vermin, he thought to himself: never again bourbon and tequila in the same night, and this time, I mean it."

"How about a hand."

STRIP God' s dog urinating on planet Earth

"Try picking up a girl after you've renounced everything."