Humorist With An Edge T-Shirts

"The kids of today catch on so quickly, Ted! Remember how long it took US to master the finer points of crony capitalism?"

I've been teaching art history for decades. Students today ask new kinds of questions. No, I doubt a gluten-free menu option was available that evening. Nope, the artist was not making a statement about climate change. No, despite the umbrellas, this is not about sun exposure safety. Well, yes, I suppose you can say it's a selfie.

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

Clown on bike.

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Mac's Bait and Sushi Shop

'Eat less. Drink less. Be merry more.'

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

"The Eggsorcist"

Honest Vending

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

"He was the one everyone called 'The Greatest.' Then one day, a stranger turned up in town."

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

'What was that?!' 'A 'Mach'-ing bird.'

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

"Try picking up a girl after you've renounced everything."

'I'm going to have an out-of-body experience -- can I bring you anything?'

Frank & Ernie's Diner. Today: Yogurt Surprise. We call it "yogurt surprise" because we couldn't read the expiration date on the carton.

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

"Don't worry, Miss. I'll soon get the hang of it."

Welcome Association of Stage Builders.

"Honey, have you seen my onions?"

"It's no good, Bertie—we must either find some other place to meet or break off the affair altogether."

'Best watchdog I ever had!'

Three kids in a trench coat, twenty years later.

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

"Thank you! That last tune took some fancy fingerpickin'. Apologies to those in the front who may have gotten a press - on nail or two in their drink."

The opera - 'Please, sir, give us your ticket, if you ain;t a-goin' in again.'

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

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