Humorist Saver Pillows

"The latest studies show that only 7% of professionals are going to meet their pensions expectations."

'Me, I don't spend my pocket money: I hoard it...'

"I say it's Kale, and I say it's spinaches shitfaced uncle."

'I'd like two pizzas, one with cheese and pepperoni and the other with cheese and sausage. One more thing, do you deliver?'

'If we hadn't outsourced the staff, we could've eaten them.'

'Tomato ketchup?' 'Well you wanted the house red.'

Keep it on until he's gone. They still think we're extinct.

"Feeling that only you can prevent forest fires could be construed as delusions of grandeur."

"We are here to remove a blockage in your bank account."

'You are here' sign on desert island.

"What, no day spa? And you call this a luxury bunker."

'Bottled water or other non-carbonated diet beverage!'

'Hi! -- I'm selling theory insurance!'

'Did you just hear that? Scientist say we are now an endangered species and mating should be our top priority!'

"Sure he's cute, but we should have discussed this."

'I had a wonderful evening, Oswald but this wasn't it,I'm afraid!'

So...who is your provider ?

Randy, if you were stranded on an island, what's the one book you'd want to have along with you? Easy: Blood Meridian by Cormac McCarthy. It's got the perfect heft to knock coconuts out of trees. Well, I'd like to have How to Get off an Island, by Archie MacGuyver. That title's actually a metaphor for overcoming shyness. We really should have our own book review show.

'Your medical coverage does not consider that a medical necessity.'

"I live for twenty four hours. How can I fund a 401 K?"

"Is this Bart from Country Farm? This is Dan the Unrideable. Yep, happened again. "

"Under our health care plan, you get low premiums, a low deductible and a free, yearly probe."

"I'm increasing your OnlyFan subscription..."

Republican Beach. . . Nature Preserve rule: EAT OR BE EATEN!

'I told you. I'll be home with dinner just as soon as it dies.'

"The Scrimpshaws have finally decided to deposit their savings."

'Are you going anywhere near a chemist?'

"Serious drinkers recommend hanging on to the maraschino."

'I bet it's nice and warm inside!'

"Can I interest you in nine life policies?"

Watching animals having sex at the zoo - "Well it doesn't look like an endangered species to me!"

"Boy oh boy, how will you ever be able to pay your energy bills?"

"Will you quit listening to your ten all-time favorite albums and help me find some food!"

"Karl, act like a stuffed porcupine!"

'Hello, I'm selling life insurance. Tell me, sir, are you covered?'