Humorist On Corporate Life Gifts

"Productivity may be up but I miss seeing people miserable."

'Williams, we're not used to receiving such excellent ideas as these, so we'd like to tone them down a bit.'

"This position has become very important to the company."

'You could be a constant inspiration for us to come up with a plan to get a leg up on our competition...you're hired!'

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

"Actually, she's just a figurehead boss. Our real CEO is an algorithm floating around somewhere in the cloud!"

'Keep me informed of the herds' mood.'

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

"Another job well done by your conflict resolution specialist."

'Whoever said 'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself' never had a room full of angry shareholders.'

'And remember to emphasize we're giving them the opportunity to find a better job.'

"In recognition of last month's little upward blip, I suggest we allow ourselves a spontaneous victory fist bump."

"How's everybody doing? I'm not boring you, am I?"

Businessman on stilts: 'I had to step over a lot of people to get where I am today.'

Can't Do the Math/Won't Do the Math.

'It has come to my attention that we need to hedge against our five-year plan.'

"It's a memo from the legal department reminding us to (heh-heh), 'keep our noses clean'."

Boss's Desk Says No!

"Obviously some people here don't appreciate the gravity of our situation."

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

"The trend in tough economic times is to put off everything that doesn't require immediate action ? as this chart shows."

'The good news is we're projecting a profit. The bad news is none of us will be alive then.'

'Well the good news is that we've landed some huge contracts in China!'

"Would you say that the sales projections in your 3 year plan are realistic?"

'We're finding out that those 'wrongs' we made 'right' were actually right after all.'

"Welcome aboard, Bailey. Don't worry — they don't bite."

'Office' block tightening it's belt

Royal Mail boss to become ITV boss.

"These are the principal qualities we're looking for in our new recruits."

"We're pleased to announce that your company has shrewdly traded a cow for some magic beans." some ma

Boss to worker taking out wallet: 'It's only fair, Pete. Last year, we shared profits!'

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

Another day at work would be one too many...

"But don't let my wacky tie fool you. We actually take business very seriously around here."