Humorist Of Life's Phases Pillows

'Hi, I'm middle-age and I'll be hanging around a while.'

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

"I'm just a girl, standing in front of a buoy..."

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

What's that? - 'It's a mosquito bite.' - 'Scratch it!' - 'No, I need to buy some cream.' - 'Make it bleed!!!' - 'Gahhh!!!' -

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'My goodness,Ralph,let him have it.It's only a measly old meal worm.'

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

"We think it has something to do with your genome."

"Believe me when I tell you that I'm not that honest."

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

Peter

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

"There's only the four of us. I hope you like doo-wop."

"Whenever it comes, Glenda, my death will be untimely."

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

Attack of the 65 - Inch Woman

Time management office worker

'How much are your upside-down cakes? 99p.'

'We can't serve you the businessman's lunch because you don't look the business type.'

"The tricky bit is finding some UK infrastructure that's working to switch it off."

'He always said he wouldn't be seen dead with his shirt outside his trousers - he'll be livid.'

"It's not what you think."

Paunch and Judy.

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'

Come back in, no one will laugh at you.