Humorist In History Pillows

'And now I've got gum stuck to the bottom of my sandal, that's it, I'm out of here.'

"Lassie, go get help!" "Oh Timmy you idiot! Not again!"

No, you idiots, they don't include a "comments" section.

'Hurry, wipe it off before Dad comes home!'

"Being raised in the city, Fred didn’t quite grasp the true purpose of a game camera."

"In high school, I was quite the star in metal shop."

Copycats

Polly txt speak

"Now, were those friends of your Gettys or Gottis?"

"'I don't want war'. . . well, wither our translation program is broke or this president has a strange kind of humor!"

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

In his younger days Spock was quite the comedian.

'My body has rejected every diet I've tried.'

'..and we thank thee for these bio-engineered vegetables..'

"These are the very weapons your mother and I used in our famous duel."

Apples for sale

'Of course I'll still love you when you're old and skinny!'

I will study my speling words...

Seniors Snooker Tournament.

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

"Couldn't you have just laughed instead of spelling 'LOL' in your alphabet soup?"

'As you can see by the pie chart, most of our expenses go to well, pie.'

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

Outer Space Outsourcing

"Boss, the AI is actually smarter than all of us! It read our business forecast, jumped up and ran out laughing!"

"But everyone is befuddled by math."

"Even the waiters here are organic."

"When is my next parole hearing?"

"Great cruise except the zip lining got flooded."

Dog Walking Services

"They're wearing cameras. How humiliating."

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

THE PIED PIPER OF GRAMERCY PARK

"Well, isn't that embarrassing."

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."