Humor Magnet Pillows

"There's a woman on tinder called Melania Trump."

"Better bring me another cookie. The last one fell in the water."

Life is for the birds.

'The ghost walks this passage every night Monday to Friday. He has weekends off.'

The Brothers Grime

"You see, it's perfectly safe to tease him..."

A Golden Non-Retriever

"Uh Oh! Jehovah's"

Beer Parasol.

"I'm you from the future! Or the past. I've completely lost track of time."

"Well, you were late and her boyfriend didn't turn up for their wedding, so....."

"For the last time, we never need the route with the fewest turns."

'You're supposed to bring the newspaper to ME!'

'Trust me, you're not going to need an alarm clock.'

'Adam, you left the toilet rock up again!'

"I fell to the ground from a height of about two metres when I was born: My very first stunt!"

'You're one of my kids? Really? I'm so sorry, I have so many it's hard to remember them all...'

"My favorite part of the story was when Prince Charming kissed Sleeping Beauty and she totally rebooted."

'Joe has been partying hard!'

Presidential surveillance ass!"

"Mom, are you sure I'm not adopted?"

"It worked as you said Mum! I yelled 'LICE' as soon as the lion approached and he stopped in his tracks to scratch his mane while I escaped!"

'Bob, wait!!! Nice try, bear.'

'It will be a difficult adjustment, but it doesn't mean you can't still live a full and rewarding life, say, in the library, or even a miniature golf course.'

The bird feeder.

"The lettuce I paid with was fresher than the lettuce I bought."

'All she said was something about having rice for dinner and then poof!. . . She's gone!'

"Fish finder."

Shrewsbury - pronunciation

"Can you keep a secret?"