Humor Generator Pillows

At the Laff-a-Mint

"Technology isn't making me smarter. It's allowing me to be dumb, faster."

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

"Would you like to keep eighty-seven tabs open?"

I put a picture of my lunch on Facebook, and nobody hit "like." Who doesn't like Slim Jims and beer?

"I wanted to plant my own food, but I couldn't find bacon seeds!"

"OMG, LOL!"

A Golden Non-Retriever

Fenton G. Gonklemeyer, Computer Scientist - Booted Up 1928 and Crashed 2009.

'I missed work due to a rib injury from belly-laughing at your jokes.'

"Will follow you on social media for food."

"I change my mantra every two months so no one can hack my soul."

"Larry, what's the weather forecast?" "Let me ask you something. Did you make waffles this morning? Because someone had maple syrup on their hands, and I seem to recall a hand moving me... a pretty, pretty, pretty sticky hand..."

"That's the trouble with cute kittens - they attract a lot of traffic."

"I've edited your Wikipedia entry again, Sadie. You're about to be inundated with phone calls from the press." "Whatever, geek-boy." "You're now the world's foremost authority on Turkey leprosy, the disease that's threatening to ruin the holidays." "No one'll believe that." "Oh yeah? I wrote a Wikipedia page for Turkey leprosy, too, along with examples of all the historical figures it's killed, such as the Archduke of Crushistan." "There is no 'Crushistan.'" "I've written a Wikipedia entry for C

"Don't worry about her sucking her thumb. Soon she'll be texting with it."

The Smartass Phone

"Alright. What should we watch first - the Youtube video or the comments below?"

"He really hates all the fake news!!"

"The incessant chatter was driving me crackers, so I got him his own twitter account."

'The boss said to get rid of all the pirated software before he returns, which will be in about five to ten years.'

'for more obit info, go to...'

The Escape Key

Terms and conditions

"Women like funny men, but you can't go on a date dressed like that!"

"Oh boy, by the way this guy is moving, we can assume he's got some of our friends in his pants..."

"Does 14 followers on Twitter count as 'leadership experience'?"

'Do you mind if I share your post on my wall?'

Catroom.

'...we are looking for someone with great interpersonal communication skills.'

"This is Siri. No, you're not there yet!"

"After she ran that clip of me getting a bath,... I posted this one of her stepping out of the shower."

"My reflexes are not what they used to be: This is how I catch birds now..."

'Am I on your good Facebook friend list, or on your bad Facebook friend list?'

"It's a battle of wills - I'm refusing to do anything for his 'funny cat videos' web page."