Humor Haver Pillows

We want to put all our money into bricks.

I'm a bolt, dummy! Does everything look like a nail to you?!

'That was fun!'

'No! No more harps! I can't take it anymore.'

Micro Psychiatry Clinic. You have a full schedule today, Doctor. The helium atom will be here to work on his fear of heights. The white blood cell with a germ phobia and amoeba with separation anxiety are coming in. The DNA molecule will be here about an identity crisis. And here, in the sports car, comes a new patient, a carbon-14 isotope. Ah, looks like he's going through a half-life crisis!

"Does anyone know anything about spyware?"

"I say it's Kale, and I say it's spinaches shitfaced uncle."

"I wanted to plant my own food, but I couldn't find bacon seeds!"

'I got an F today - for improper interfacing with my computer.'

"Wow! That's an amazing welding project!"

Happy Hour 5-7. (Not really an hour, not really happy.) At last, truth in advertising.

'Whiskey and splash, sir.'

"Hallelujah!"

"Hi honey, do we need anything for the junk drawer?"

'My boss collects stupid hats, Is yours for sale?'

"I don't think you're getting the point of this exercise."

'Plastic bags, dogs, dogs behind gates, strange smells, pigs, strange noises...heck! It would be quicker to tell you what doesn't spook me!'

'...Because its easy to draw.'

'All drinks are double the normal price - it makes me happy.'

"I don't want it to look like I don't appreciate your qualifications and experience, but you're talking a lot of crap."

"You want to know what kind of criticism of Israeli politics I consider anti-semitic?"

'Just because I understand how to maintain the Heating and Cooling systems in the world's biggest buildings doesn't mean I understand the tax code.'

'The developers of this flu vaccine can't explain it, but its only side effect is that it may cause your HVAC system to go hay wire for a bit.'

A granny tortoise with a quilted shell.

"My exercise routine appears to be working as long as I hang around fat people."

"An example of my game cheat skills is that I hacked into your computer and invited myself to this games tester interview."

Well, I told you to add yeast to your shampoo.

"Oh, come on—it's 8 a.m. somewhere."

"We've changed 'Happy Hour' to 'An Interlude for Reflection'."

'I take it you're new to painting miniatures?'

'I hit my thumb with a hammer.' - 'Well, it wouldn't happen if you hold the hammer with both hands.'

Spot the ballcock

"Evenin' gents - what's yer poison..?"

'Noisemakers are not welcome the morning after a party.'

Fears