Humor Aficionada Pillows

'Am I old enough to start point-shaving?'

It is important to give your dog opportunities to play with people.

The Department of Really Stupid Ideas: 'Most people think they just appear out of thin air! But the truth is, there's a great deal of very hard work involved!'

The Games Man: Fishing is his sole form of exercise - but he considers it bad form to move more than his wrist when casting.

'I'm reading aloud, Jeremy - My lips are SUPPOSED to be moving!'

Project Length As Measured In Dog Years

"Welcome to the bank - you'll start at the bottom."

"You're losing the audience. Switch to the Powerpoint presentation."

"Yes. I said 2 by 2, but you needed to use 2 by 4s for the Ark...begin again."

"Go ahead and eat her, she's a pain in the a**."

Police Feline Unit

Zombie standup

Hey, calm down --- Now, what did you say again?

"Do you want to pretend to be a doctor and I'll pretend to be a hotshot civil litigation attorney who sues you till your ears bleed?"

"Thor! I am Thor! Ha. Just kidding. I'm Tom the Seagull."

'The proliferation of bird watchers make me more and more self-conscious...'

"Clear my schedule for the next five minutes. I feel the need for some spontaneous frivolity."

Formal SuitsBusiness SuitsBirthday Suits.

"No, I didn't steal your content. I just have your content's doppleganger."

"What's a patent?"

Men find this shampoo irresistible. It's called 'Gee, Your Hair Smells Like A New Car'.

'Well, it's your fault for wearing my slippers.'

"Why do they do that?"

'The history of Glue. It's impossible to put down.'

'Joe took the day off to go to the ball game. So I'll be sitting in for him until he gets back. Would you like me to fetch you something?'

Desk trays - 'in', 'out', and 'one of these days'.

'I hate to be so skeptical, but I still think the seance business is a hoax!'

Build your very own conflict of interest!

'Why didn't he take 8 days and finish the job properly?'

'Think I preferred the old Irish barman.'

"Ooh, I must sit down - I'm dead on my feet!"

'It's a deal, lets sniff bottoms!'

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"I call it 'Bad Dog.'"