Humanities Researcher Gifts

"Being a post-doc for thirty years can really screw up your life."

Now showing, at a University near you...

Coronavirus Waves

'I need to borrow your Ph.D. for a half hour tomorrow. I have a major problem to solve.'

'I'm pretty sure I have a Ph.D. I think one came bundled with my new computer.'

We have a problem with your research. We're Encyclopedia Britannica and you're Wikipedia.

"...and if you add wind-chill factor, the next plague will be even worse!"

Subatomic particles

Tragically Moses didn't see the eleventh commandment.

Government survey into the effects of haggis throwing in Ethiopia.

Before they settled on water, shower pioneers experimented with a number of alternatives, including spaghetti,

'The Federal Government today authorized a ten-year study of all its five-year studies.'

"Well, here's your problem. You need an O right there."

"This year the endowed chair will go to whomever pulls the sword from the stone."

"Mr. Bush, this is Vytautas Landsbergis, in Vilnius. Guess what."

"Well, we got the grant."

Maria Sibylla Merian

A turning point in young Louis Pasteur's Life.

"How about this? We carpet the road and use the resultant static electricity to power our electric cars."

'Well, we turned water into wine. Anyone remember how?'

'We've created a teenager!'

"Peterson should be sure to win the Nobel Prize! He has proven that the mutated Coronavirus also mutates laboratory rats!"

'Of course he reminds you of yourself at his age -- he's your clone.'

'Dad, when you say life's a bowl of cherries, what's a cherry?'

"Maybe we should have tried it on the rats first."

"We could try reversing the drug's side effects with gene therapy, but we don't want to get into trouble with the SPCA."

"We'll have to retract that article. On of our co-authors is the night watchman."

Please help: National Endowment for the Arts

"Your transfer comes with a bonus - 40 acres and a mule."

'Agreed, 'Laplace Algebra Matrix Expansion' is a good topic, but we'd better find a better acronym if we want to secure a Research Grant...'

One after another

Need Cash for Alcohol Research.

". . . and what will you do with your advanced arts degree now that we no longer have any culture?"

"Do a double-blind test. Give the new drug to rich patients and a placebo to the poor. No sense getting their hopes up. They couldn't afford it even if it works."

Newton - today: 'Help my research! Buy an apple 50 cents.'