Human Resources Aficionados Pillows

'Ted, some of the staff are complaining about the naked lady tattooed on your forehead.'

'I hope you're not threatened by powerful women, because you're fired.'

"Another week another dollar, Jenkins"

"So what kind of mood is he in?"

"The good news is you’re the only one we’re not firing ... the bad news is you’re the only one to run the department."

'Noticeboard? I forgot it was there to be honest.'

"Stock options for your thoughts."

"This is a merit-based organization! Can't you see I’ve hired the very best and most qualified yes-men money can buy?"

"I wonder if A.I. will inevitably become as tired and depressed as we are."

'I'll be late for dinner, dear. I'm up to my neck in paperwork.'

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"Boy, am I glad they finally hired more staff!"

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

IN box...OUT is wastepaper basket on fire.

"It's clear to me that you want to go far with this company."

'Yes, I know there's a deadline on this project.'

'Our parents were replaced by machines - We'll be replaced with new software.'

"Shall we start with an icebreaker?"

'The efficiency expert's recommendation is we drink more coffee!'

"So, tell me a little bit more about this house training you mention on your CV."

"They're having a fight over how best to handle client conflict."

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."

"Sorry, we've found an app that's better at being you than you!"

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

'Take a few days off. Suck some necks ...'

"Well the good news is that after the reorganisation you'll be leading the team."

"We're looking for that perfect blend of vision, ambition and ethical ambiguity."

Inclusive speech

"Welcome aboard, Bailey. Don't worry — they don't bite."

"That report on corporate redundancy... I'd like it in triplicate."

"I hate performance review season."

"Where would you see yourself in five years' time?"

The best financial decision I ever made.

"The new chairman has dropped the brain-storming meetings."

'Try and be negative in a positive way.'