Housing Market Hustler Gifts

Estate agents jockeying for position with sale boards

'Sir...I have a couple here who claim to be first time buyers! What do I do?'

"Aren't you the estate agent who sold us this house?"

'. . .actually I'm not a real Guru, I was forced up here originally by the property prices.'

Estate Agent showing client his parents' house - '...and here's one from our affordable homes range'

An exaggeration of estate agents

'Gee! You must have lost some on this property!'

'We do have a property in your price range, but we need a time machine to go back and visit it!'

'The only means of access was via the previous tenant's hair. But not to worry, there's a ladder 'round the back.'

"Local authorities are always whining on about the cost of 'affordable' housing..."

"I've downsized."

'Forget my mortgage application, fill this bag with money. I've decided to make a cash offer!'

'It seems good, and he said the bit at the bottom is the name of the architect.'

"The bank rejected my application for a 2nd mortgage. They said they didn't have 1 in my size."

'Lower the price by ?30k!' 'He's trying to kick-start the housing market.'

"The only thing we seem to have in your price range is a bird box in Billericay."

'We can't decide between raising kids and raising a mortgage deposit.'

'Yes, there is a bidding war - but I'm almost certain you aren't allowed to take prisoners.'

"I remember when you used to see 3 or 4 of these a week!"

The housing market begins to deflate.

"I've just been gazumped!"

"It sucks being reincarnated as a snail, but at least I've finally achieved home ownership."

'We finally got a response to our House For Sale sign. The wind blew it down.'

Freddy Mac and Fannie Mae.

'Inflation allows you to live in a more expensive neighbourhood without even moving.'

"Those days of being able to sell any old c**p have long gone!"

Home seller has given up after reducing price many times.

'Don't be alarmed at closing when you sign you name so many times you don't recognize your own signature.'

"Their entire friendship is based on regret over property they SHOULD have bought when it was affordable."

"If this is a bit beyond your budget then I've got a shoebox coming available next week!"

'How are house sales going? I'm phoning down for the latest figures.'

"Pleased to meet you neighbour! I'm the first wave of gentrification."

'Could you show me something in my price range.'

"It's a modest studio flat with own garden, 30 minutes from central London."

Snail Estate Agents